I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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