I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish you could order shots online.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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