Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
