We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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