You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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