I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
