Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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