I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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