either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
