Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
