he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
