I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
