my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
