I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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