i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize