Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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