Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
