So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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