I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
