woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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