Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize