Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
