You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
