I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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