Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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