just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize