Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
