sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
