I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
