I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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