I puked a lego.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
