why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
