i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
