I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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