I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
