I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
