Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We are all done wearing pants today
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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