Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
pop tarts are not kleenex
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
