Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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