just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
