Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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