i think my tv is drunk
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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