EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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