and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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