I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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