Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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