drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
