This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
