Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize