im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
