he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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