Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
