I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize