I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
