Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
