I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
