It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
