Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
