From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
