This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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